Preparing to Begin Great Lent

Great Lent is coming soon! Every year, Great Lent is a joyful time of opening our hearts more fully to Christ, as we prepare to celebrate His resurrection. It offers us a wonderful opportunity to evaluate our Christian life and begin to implement changes that enable us to better love God and our fellow humans. We have gathered a handful of resources that may be helpful to you and the children in your care. Here are some of the resources that we have gathered, beginning with part of a helpful article by Ann Marie Gidus-Mercera, called “Ways to Share Great Lent and Pascha with Your Child,” from Orthodox Family Life, printed in 1997. (Used by permission.)

Take your child to Church!

Whenever a service is scheduled, plan to attend. Services like The Canon of St. Andrew of Crete may be physically tiring with the many prostrations, but don’t think your child can’t be a part of them. In my own parish, which is filled with pre-schoolers, the children do a great job of making prostrations right along with the adults. Many of the children will join in as “Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me” is sung. This experience is good for our children! If they see their parents attending services, they get the message that attending Church is important. If we bring our children to Church with us (both young and old), they get the message that their presence in Church is important. The Canon of St. Andrew of Crete is especially good for teaching our children that we worship with our entire bodies.

Explain the service that your family will be attending.

Notice that the word “family” is used in the first sentence. Now is a good time to stress that the entire family should be attending services. My husband can’t make it home from work in time for all of us to get to services together, but he always meets us at Church. This tells our children that Church is important enough for Daddy to meet us there. As children get older, homework and after-school activities may tempt them (and us!) to skip Church services. Don’t let it! First of all, if we give in, then what we’re really telling them is that worldly affairs are more important than spiritual affairs. By allowing our children to miss Church, we make it extremely easy for them to fall away as teenagers or young adults.

Last of all, if we allow our older children to miss Church, we are telling our younger children that Church is not important when they get to be big sister or big brother’s age. Enforcing Church attendance by the entire family is no easy task. In fact, enforcing it may be one of the hardest jobs you encounter. Sticking to your rule will be even tougher. It’s a choice we must make as Orthodox parents. Maybe it makes our task easier if we ask ourselves, “What would God want us to do?” The answer is obvious.

Prepare your child for Lent.

The weeks prior to Lent help us take on the right frame of mind for entering Lent. Let them do the same for your child. Read the stories and let your child color [or draw] the pictures prior to attending the Sunday services. You may want to read the story again on Saturday evening, or let your child take the color sheet to Church. A simple reminder Sunday morning concerning what the service and gospel reading will contain can be enough. Pre-schoolers have the ability to remember even the briefest of comments (even when it’s something we DON’T want them to remember!) Keep your explanation simple and BRIEF in order to hold his/her attention. Don’t try to go into a long and draw-out explanation or s/he will lose interest. If s/he has questions or comments, answer them briefly.

Don’t feel mountains have to be moved the day Lent begins, or even during Lent.

It might be a quiet, even uneventful day. That’s okay! Nothing magical needs to happen. We must only be ready to give our hearts to Christ, and we should gladly hand them over in an effort to be a good example to our children. This is our greatest task as Orthodox Christian parents.

Here are some additional resources that you may find helpful: 

Here is a printable Lenten-focused activity calendar, highlighting important days during Great Lent. This pdf features daily suggestions of activities that families can do together, with the goal of engendering a more Christ-centered life during the Lenten fast. Find the calendar here: https://orthodoxchristianparenting.files.wordpress.com/2023/02/updated_great-lent-and-holy-week-activity-calendar.pdf

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Find lessons and activity ideas that can be helpful for families or Church school teachers during all of Great Lent here: https://orthodoxpebbles.com/orthodox-basics/great-lent/

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With this free printable page, children can create a “Lenten Treasure Chest” that they can fill throughout Great Lent with “coins” of REAL value: https://moam.info/lenten-treasure-chest-annunciation-greek-orthodox-church_59cdc1d31723ddf9655ed9fe.html 

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This blog offers ideas of ways to encourage children to participate throughout Great Lent: http://illumination-learning.com/main/2015/02/14/living-our-faith-its-too-hard-for-my-kids/.

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If you are interested in additional fasting meal suggestions, here are two links that may be helpful:

https://orthodoxfastingrecipes.wordpress.com/

https://www.orthodoxmom.com/orthodox-kitchen/

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Here is another creative way that a family can experience Lent together (including fasting, attending services, and giving to those in need). This easily explains and tracks the lenten journey on the family fridge: http://ww1.antiochian.org/content/family-activities-lenten-journey 

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Here is a printable coloring and activity book for the Sundays of Lent and Holy Week: https://www.scribd.com/doc/49025598/Lent-Workbook-English-2

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Love at Lent offers 50 daily task cards that each reinforce the Lenten values of kindness, forgiveness, prayer, generosity, gratitude, and love. Children or families can select one card each day of Great Lent and Holy Week, and then do the task that will help them to better love God and their neighbors. https://store.ancientfaith.com/love-at-lent/ 

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Find 40 activities (one for each day of Great Lent) here: http://ww1.antiochian.org/40-activities-great-lent

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This offers an overview of each Sunday of Lent, complete with the message of the week and suggested activities: https://www.scribd.com/doc/48101187/Lent-HolyWeek-Chart

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Here is an overview of Lenten Sundays and Holy Week, with suggested steps of action, specifically geared for teens: http://www.antiochian.org/content/lenten-message-all-orthodox-teens

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Need more ideas? Check out this blog post filled with additional Lenten resources for families and Church school teachers: https://www.asceticlifeofmotherhood.com/blog/lentguide 

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A Glimpse at “Good News Bad News” by Alexandra Chakos, Illustrated by Mike Stonelake

Ancient Faith Publishing’s brand new chapter book for kids ages 7-12, Good News Bad News, was written by Alexandra Chakos and is illustrated by Mike Stonelake. This book is the story of a young man who really wants to win a fabulous bike prize by selling lots of things for his school’s fundraiser, and he will go to almost any length to do so. It is the story of two brothers who do not always get along. It is also the story of a parish raising money for a new church building while also working together to raise the children in their midst. And it’s the story of two regular parents (who happen to be a priest and presvytera) who are learning with (and through!) their children.

They may be a priest’s family, but the Papadopoulos clan could pass for any other Orthodox Christian family who are trying to learn to love each other and grow in the Faith. The author’s introduction at the end of the book reveals that this story was based on real-life events that Presvytera Alexandra Chakos experienced while raising her own family. This explains why the story is so realistic! It is told in such a way that readers come away feeling that they’ve just been spying on the Papadopoulos family as they interact with each other and help each other through life’s challenges. 

Mike Stonelake’s engaging illustrations add a touch of humor to the story. They provide additional dimension to the characters and setting, drawing the reader in even more fully to the Papadopoulos’ world. Each illustration better helps the reader understand that priests’ families do normal things, too. For example, the dad of the family still drags their Christmas tree through the front door: he just does so while dressed in his cassock!

Parents and children alike will enjoy this tale. It has been woven with scriptures, joy, and just enough surprises to keep the reader guessing! The heartwarming ending takes place (appropriately) on Christmas day.

Purchase your own copy here: https://store.ancientfaith.com/good-news-bad-news/

Reviewed by Kristina Wenger, educator, podcaster, co-author of Tending the Garden of Our Hearts.

A Glimpse at “A Long Walk With Mary: A Personal Search for the Mother of God” by Brandi Willis Schreiber

A Long Walk With Mary: A Personal Search for the Mother of God, by Randy Willis Schreiber, is the perfect canteen for readers whose relationship with the Mother of God is even a little dry. Schreiber offers long draughts of refreshment in each chapter, as she pairs the story of her own personal search with her findings along the way. Her intimate thoughts, queries, and learnings delightfully intertwine throughout the text, seeping slowly into the reader’s soul.

The reader is invited to accompany Schreiber on her journey over the course of a year, as she seeks to learn more about Mary, the Mother of God; while simultaneously yearning for a child of her own. and wondering how to be a good mother. Equal parts memoir, faith journey, and truths (gleaned from both Scripture and tradition), this book is easy to read, whether in small sips or in great gulps. Schreiber’s beautiful writing style soothes the reader. Her story encourages their heart, and her findings deepen their own understanding of Mary, the Mother of God. 

The book consists of 15 chapters and an epilogue, followed by suggestions for additional reading and exploratory questions. (This reader recommends perusing each chapter’s questions along the way rather than all at once, at the end of the book.) Book study groups will find ample opportunities for discussion as they read and engage with this book, together. 

Schreiber writes in such a way that the reader feels that they are sitting shotgun on a road trip with her, enjoying the sunshine and the scenery along the path, all the while carrying on an easy conversation about the Mother of God. Orthodox Christians (especially women) of all ages will be encouraged by Schreiber’s story and her learnings. Readers will step away from each chapter of the book feeling a little closer to the Mother of God. 

A Long Walk With Mary: A Personal Search for the Mother of God is a good way for a reader to begin to quench their curiosity about the Theotokos, and to rehydrate their love for her and her Son.

Find the book (available in paperback, ebook, or audiobook – read in the author’s beautifully calming voice) here: https://store.ancientfaith.com/a-long-walk-with-mary-a-personal-search-for-the-mother-of-god/ 

Reviewed by Kristina Wenger, educator, podcaster, co-author of Tending the Garden of Our Hearts

Additional readings on this blog about the Holy Theotokos:

“On the Feast of the Nativity of the Theotokos (Sept. 8 or 21)”, The very first feast of the new Church year is the Feast of the Nativity of the Theotokos, and it is a very good place to start! After all, the birth of the Theotokos is where many of the other feasts begin.

“On the Feast of the Annunciation (March 25)”, The Feast of the Annunciation is a very important feast of the Faith. Did you ever stop and think about why that is true? Why is the Annunciation one of the twelve great feasts of the Church? Let us take a moment to think about what happened at the Annunciation, so that we can be better prepared to lead our family in celebrating this great feast.

“On the Theotokos as Mother”, ways in which mothers and all women who care for children can aspire to be like the Theotokos.

“On the Mother of God: Quotes from the Church Fathers”, We have gathered quotes from the Church fathers about the Theotokos. Many of those quoted here lived in an age closer to her earthly life than the current era. We plan to share these quotes for you to ponder throughout the (new calendar) Dormition fast. As you read each quote, may you be inspired to be as genuine, humble, and obedient as she has been.

“On the Feast of the Dormition of the Theotokos (August 15 or 28)”, links to resources that will help your family learn more about the Feast of the Dormition.

Reviewing “A Sacred Beginning: Nurturing Your Body, Mind, & Soul During Baby’s First 40 Days” by Sarah Brangwynne & Sasha Rose Oxnard

A Sacred Beginning serves as a doula to the new mother’s soul: holding her up and encouraging her; while also strengthening her resolve and gently pushing her to do the hard work set before her. Sarah Brangwynne and Sasha Rose write from depths of insight garnered by experience. In their work as a therapist and a family physician, as well as in their personal lives, they have walked these 40 days time and again, holding each other (and others) up along the way. Through these pages the authors reach out to embrace their reader, bolstering her climb up the ladder of divine ascent; soaking her in the wisdom of the Church fathers and the Scriptures; and fortifying her with whispers of camaraderie.

The authors’ experience as mothers is not their sole qualifier for the writing of this book: they both also work in related fields. Sarah is a therapist and Sasha is a family physician. The marriage of their occupations with their personal experience with motherhood lays a sound foundation for this book. 

The introduction of the book lays a good foundation for the 40 days’ meditations, and readers are encouraged to read that part prior to meeting their new little one. The book is divided into 40 days’ readings, all focused on a step (or part of a step) of the Ladder of Divine Ascent. Each day’s reading contains a meditation, quotes from the Fathers and/or Scripture, and personal stories/encouragement from the authors. Many times the day’s entry will contain a look at a way for the new mother to practice what the meditation is about through a physical or spiritual exercise or a suggested journal discussion question.The book concludes with appendices of helpful, related information. Throughout the book, the reader is challenged to do the hard thing to the best of her ability, to ask for and accept help, and to bathe her mothering with prayer.

This book is full of encouragement, helpful quotes and insights, and support for a mother; whether she is welcoming her first child or her last. If the reader wades deep into each day’s reading or is merely able to dip in one toe, the waters will refresh her, buoying her soul as she cares for her new little one. Sarah and Sasha’s supportive words are right there with her, ready to hold her up as a doula does, and she will find that their words, in this book, truly have “got her back”.

Reviewed by Kristina Wenger, educator, podcaster, co-author of Tending the Garden of Our Hearts

The book is available for purchase here: https://store.ancientfaith.com/a-sacred-beginning/

Gleanings from a book: “Fertile Ground: a Pilgrimage Through Pregnancy” by Laura Jansson

Years after a pregnancy, a woman may look back and wonder at how quickly it passed, but in the heart of the experience, pregnancy often feels like it takes an eternity. Those long days and weeks of pregnancy are good preparation for motherhood. Although a woman may understand that fact, sometimes pregnancy still feels lonely and frightening, even if it is not her first one.

Laura Jansson, who is both a mother and a doula, has undertaken the task of walking alongside women who are on the journey of pregnancy. She serves those living near her in her roles as a childbirth educator and a doula. Now, through this book, her comforting and encouraging words can support and help soon-to-be mothers around the globe.

“Fertile Ground” begins with three prayers “of a woman with child”. Jansson recommends that her readers always begin reading her book by praying those prayers. The bulk of the book takes a pensive look at different aspects of pregnancy, and is divided into seven themes: “Welcoming a New Reality” “Experiencing Pregnancy”, “Exploring Birth in Symbols”, “Fearing Labor”, “Braving Labor”, “Becoming a Parent”, and “Preparing for Birth”. Each chapter forms a weekly meditation, and these begin with week six of a woman’s pregnancy, right around the time in which she confirms that she is pregnant. Every meditation is a focused reflection related to the theme under which it falls, and includes stories, insights, and encouraging scriptures and words.

Jansson asserts that pregnancy is, indeed, a pilgrimage, as indicated in the title of the book. She explains in the introduction: “Pregnancy… is a kind of journey: a purposeful one, but sometimes also slow, waddling, and laborious—more of a saunter than a sprint. And saunter is a good term for it. The word [saunter] comes from a French phrase… meaning “to the holy ground.“ For this is a journey traversing a wide spiritual landscape. There are dizzying peaks and eerie valleys, arduous climbs and refreshing streams. Every day we draw nearer to the holy city that is our destination. There we encounter and usher into the world the divine image in a new form: our baby.“(page 11) Through “Fertile Ground”, Jansson walks alongside her reader, pointing out new growth and signs of God’s touch along the path of pregnancy.

“Fertile Ground” is designed to be read weekly, over the course of a pregnancy. There are a series of chapter-specific reflection questions included at the end of the book. These are offered in the event that that the reader wishes to respond to each chapter in a journal. Or, several women experiencing pregnancy simultaneously could read the book together and discuss the questions in the context of a regular gathering.

The lone appendix of the book addresses losing a baby. Jansson is familiar with this difficult path as well. Her child Seraphim fell asleep in the Lord during the first trimester of pregnancy. (May his memory be eternal!) She was inspired to include this appendix because “very sadly, for many of us, loss and pregnancy go hand in hand.” (p. 307) The appendix, like the rest of the book, extends a hand to offer support and hope to its readers.

Women who are on the path of pregnancy will find encouragement and food for thought buried in the deep reflections in this book. In these pages, they will uncover the opportunity to nourish their own spirit even as they nurture the small life within them. Women who have already given birth will find reflections on their experience in this book that will help them to grow even after the fact. In “Fertile Ground”, Laura Jansson offers a treasured gift to the women of the Orthodox Christian Church.

Find “Fertile Ground: A Pilgrimage Through Pregnancy” here: https://store.ancientfaith.com/fertile-ground/

Here’s a conversation with Laura about her interesting life and her book: https://www.ancientfaith.com/podcasts/everydayorthodox/meet_laura_jansson

Here are some gleanings from the book:

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“The act of making a baby is sometimes called procreation (the Latin prefix pro meaning “forth”). But the phenomenon of fingerprints proves that mothers are more than procreators, merely bringing God’s creation forward into a new generation. Mothering is not just something my body is used for, a passive means of production. Rather, from the beginning He entrusts me to help mold the clay from which He forms humanity. Astonishing as it seems, the Creator lets me come alongside Him, working next to Him in the dirt as His work takes form. He empowers me to be not simply a procreator but a co-creator of one of His greatest works: a human creature who uniquely bears His image and who will help write the next chapter in the story of the world’s salvation history. It’s a noble and high calling indeed.” (p. 28, “Fertile Ground: a Pilgrimage Through Pregnancy” by Laura S Jansson)

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“Seeing the co-creative work of childbearing through this eucharistic lens reveals my parental role as priestly in nature. ‘The Eucharist is the anaphora, the “lifting up” of our offering and of ourselves,’ writes Fr. Alexander Schmemann—and in the liturgy of childbearing, my baby is the living sacrifice I lift up to God. When I cooperate with the creative work of God in this way, pregnancy becomes an act of worship, transformed from a mere biological process into a sacred act.” (p. 34, “Fertile Ground: a Pilgrimage Through Pregnancy” by Laura S Jansson)

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“…When I host those in need, I entertain angels (Heb. 13:2) or even Christ Himself (Matt. 25:35)… Pregnancy calls me to live out this vocation by offering the welcome of paradise to the little one in my womb. He is like a guest lodging for a season in the innermost chambers of my body. At a cost to myself, I share with him my food, time, and space. Of course, doing so is part of the pregnancy package, and once I sign up I don’t get to choose my terms. But I do have a choice to make. In what manner will I receive my guest?” (p. 43, “Fertile Ground: a Pilgrimage Through Pregnancy” by Laura S Jansson)

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“The unity of the Godhead shown in Rublev’s Trinity icon also finds some analogy in our human motherhood. Of course, unlike the Persons of the Godhead, a mother never shares full oneness with her child. Nevertheless, as we stand with swelling bellies, gazing on the three figures in the icon, the circular movement of their reciprocity speaks deeply to us. Their openness to one another moves us. We experience anew the truth that God is not just a self-contained unit but a relational being.” (p. 89, “Fertile Ground: a Pilgrimage Through Pregnancy” by Laura S Jansson)

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“God’s warm brightness will always rest on my child no matter which way he chooses as his life unfolds. Whether it’s acknowledged or not, God’s radiant love illumines the whole of humanity: ‘He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good’ (Matt. 5:45)… I have the opportunity to direct my child actively along the illumined path. My bones and muscles and sinews will guide his body into the earthly light; in the same way, my heart can point his heart to the light of heaven. After the enlightenment of his birth-day, I can help him come to the enlightenment of baptism, the enlightenment of the Holy Mysteries, the enlightenment of a life of prayer, and finally, the enlightenment of death into the Kingdom, so that his whole life is a progression toward unity with God.” (p. 118, “Fertile Ground: a Pilgrimage Through Pregnancy” by Laura S Jansson)

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“Perhaps this is what the Holy Apostle Paul meant by that rather cryptic statement in one of his letters: he says women ‘will be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control’ (1 Tim. 2:15)… He’s not saying that women are saved by childbearing, as if babies were collectible box tops that could be exchanged for free entry on Ladies’ Night in heaven. No: women, like men, are saved by Christ—each one of us in the circumstances of our own unique life. Rather, Paul says it is possible for us to find our salvation in and through our maternal experience.” (p. 134, “Fertile Ground: a Pilgrimage Through Pregnancy” by Laura S Jansson)

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“All our relationships—with the world, with other humans, and ultimately with God—have their locus in our bodies as well as our souls. This is why our worship is so physical. Bodies fold in prostration, incense billows, bells jangle, candles flicker, wine sweetens lips, melodies rise, and chests are enfolded in the sign of the cross. Each of my senses draws me into the beauty of God’s presence. In my worship I ask Him to save me, and that me is an inextricable bundle of body and soul.” (p. 162, “Fertile Ground: a Pilgrimage Through Pregnancy” by Laura S Jansson)

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“The logismoi that come to us in labor usually converge around our pain. It’s no sin to have such an impression; it’s how we respond to it that is the issue. If we let the thought be, it passes. If we latch onto it, it leads us to the next one, a little further down the road: This is really bad. Next we come to Poor me! Before we know it we’ve reached a state of mind where our pain is all that exists: I’m dying! This is never going to end! Somebody just kill me now. We have lost all sense of control over our fate; we have become nothing more than slaves to our impressions. Looking at the situation through the lens of Logos rather than logismoi, we see that this trap is an illusion… In labor, as in many of life’s hard situations, we cannot always choose a way out of the experience, but we can always choose a way in.” (p. 198, “Fertile Ground: a Pilgrimage Through Pregnancy” by Laura S Jansson)

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“Slowly it dawned on me that, far from being alone in my plight [caring for a child in the middle of the night], I was part of a huge secret army of caregivers keeping vigil through this night. Right now, other mothers and fathers were feeding, rocking, soothing, changing, holding, and tending their babies. There were those up with an older child who had been sick or had a bad dream. There were parents in hospital, propped up next to incubators, or pacing linoleum floors as they labored to give birth. There were people caring for others not their children—beloved parents dying or friends in crisis. There were those whose hearts, or whose monastery bell, had awakened them to pray for those in need. Like night watchmen, each of us took our turn to watch and to sleep, but at no time did the world have to keep turning without the collective witness of our love.” (p. 225, “Fertile Ground: a Pilgrimage Through Pregnancy” by Laura S Jansson)

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“…It’s understandable if I want my baby to land in a nest a little more luxurious than the newborn Christ’s. But for me, too, a simple nest can be a fitting one. My baby cares not a whit about color-coordinated nursery accessories. What makes a difference is the space I create to accommodate him. Can I hollow out a place of safety, belonging, and comfort for him in this world? Will I make of my own life the nest in which he can grow?” (p. 268, “Fertile Ground: a Pilgrimage Through Pregnancy” by Laura S Jansson)

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“…both we and our babies leave this moment behind; we leave our pregnancies, and our babies leave our bodies. Throughout motherhood we will know this experience again and again. Our little ones leave first our wombs, then our arms, then our sphere of commanding influence, and finally our homes. Their job is continually to go foth, and ours is to allow them to do so. Being a mother, as one scholar puts it, is ‘a lifelong process of  “being there to be left”.’” (pp. 292-293, “Fertile Ground: a Pilgrimage Through Pregnancy” by Laura S Jansson)

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“…I felt my miscarriage had reversed the order of creation, putting death before birth. I was the mother of this tiny person, and by dying he had become my senior in the Kingdom. Everything was backwards. Yet because I had never known the child of my own womb, there was a little room for complicated feelings. My huge sadness had a kind of sweet purity to it that left room for a sense of wonder. ” (p. 28, “Fertile Ground: a Pilgrimage Through Pregnancy” by Laura S Jansson)

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Expectant mothers may find these scriptures (from p. 201 of Jansson’s book) helpful as a focus point during labor.

A Closer Look at “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home”- Chapter 2

Note: This series of blog posts will offer ideas of how to build up the little church in your home. The series will take a closer look at “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker. Each week we will take a look at one portion of the book and focus on the wisdom and ideas offered there. Find an overview of the entire book here: https://orthodoxchristianparenting.wordpress.com/2016/06/22/gleanings-from-a-book-blueprints-for-the-little-church-creating-an-orthodox-home-by-elissa-bjeletich-and-caleb-shoemaker/

We thank Elissa Bjeletich, Caleb Shoemaker, and Ancient Faith Publishing for granting us permission to share the book with you in this way. Purchase your own copy here: https://store.ancientfaith.com/blueprints

 

Chapter 2: Getting Started

The authors of “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” encourage their readers to begin changing their lifestyle to better reflect the life of the Church, but they implore the reader to do so gently. This second chapter of the book offers suggestions of ways to bring the Faith to life in our own homes in a very basic and focused manner. Too much too soon can easily burn a family out, which is not at all the goal. The goal is to grow, and to continue growing, not to flash into a flame that quickly extinguishes.

The reader is encouraged to consider the maxim that Fr. Thomas Hopko of blessed memory was given when he was a young, enthusiastic college student: “Go to church; say your prayers; remember God.” (p. 37) The authors encourage their readers to consider that statement important, because it’s short but full of wisdom when it comes to living the Orthodox Christian life. These three actions will greatly strengthen our little Church. They can be carried out in different ways, none “better” than the others. But our priority should always be that we attend the Divine Services, pray, and keep God foremost in our minds.

The chapter offers suggestions from parents and grandparents of ways to begin doing these things. It shares wise suggestions from Fr. Seraphim Rose as well. Again and again, the reader hears that they should go to church, pray, and remember God. Each suggestion recommends applying gentleness when starting new Orthodox practices, and that families be gracious with themselves and each other along the way. The chapter closes with the admonishment that when we fall, we need to get back up again every time.

 

If you have a parenting question for the “Blueprints For the Little Church” authors, you can connect with Elissa here https://elissabjeletich.com/contact/ and email Caleb at caleb.shoemaker@gmail.com.

Here are a few gleanings from chapter 2:

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“The two things all Orthodox families should begin doing immediately are very simple: Pray and go to church.” (p. 36, “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker, Ancient Faith Publishing, 2016)

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“Begin by committing to attendance at every Sunday liturgy, rain or shine, and begin to schedule your extracurricular activities around church. If your family expects you at Mother’s Day brunch, tell them you’ll hurry over after church. If the soccer team always plays on Sunday morning, let them know that you’ll be in church. Make the firm commitment to attend church every Sunday.” (p. 38, “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker, Ancient Faith Publishing, 2016)

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“Many saints’ lives teach us that simple humility and fervent prayer bring us closer to God. Trust in this, and don’t get lost in an effort to do everything all at once. Begin to build your little church by laying a foundation of prayer and church attendance, and then build it up layer by layer, a little at a time.” (p. 41, “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker, Ancient Faith Publishing, 2016)

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“Learn first of all to be at peace with the spiritual situation which has been given you, and to make the most of it. If your situation is spiritually barren, do not let this discourage you, but work all the harder at what you yourself can do for your spiritual life. It is already something very important to have access to the Sacraments and regular church services. Beyond this you should have regular morning and evening prayers with your family, and spiritual reading—all according to your strength and the possibilities afforded by your circumstances.” (a quote from Fr. Seraphim Rose, as shared on p. 42, “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker, Ancient Faith Publishing, 2016)

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“Ask God and His saints to help you as you shepherd your family along this path. Pray that all of you will grow in your love for Christ, that each of you will come to yearn for Him and for a life in the Church. This is the most important thing you can do to help your little church grow.” (p. 43, “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker, Ancient Faith Publishing, 2016)

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“‘Don’t force children to pray, because that might make them become bitter towards it. Instead, just pray in front of them and ask them to participate. If they refuse to join in, then just pray by yourself and try again the next day. Lead by example.’ —Sophia, mother of two” (p. 44, “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker, Ancient Faith Publishing, 2016)

***

 

A Closer Look at “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home”- Chapter 1

Note: This series of blog posts will offer ideas of how to build up the little church in your home. The series will take a closer look at “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker. Each week we will take a look at one portion of the book and focus on the wisdom and ideas offered there. Find an overview of the entire book here: https://orthodoxchristianparenting.wordpress.com/2016/06/22/gleanings-from-a-book-blueprints-for-the-little-church-creating-an-orthodox-home-by-elissa-bjeletich-and-caleb-shoemaker/

We thank Elissa Bjeletich, Caleb Shoemaker, and Ancient Faith Publishing for granting us permission to share the book with you in this way. Purchase your own copy here: https://store.ancientfaith.com/blueprints

 

Chapter 1: Why the Little Church?

In chapter 1 of “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home”, authors Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker help their readers better understand the concept of the “little Church”. The chapter begins by reminding each reader that “The Church” is not a building or place: rather, it is the Body of Christ, including all of His people throughout time. The smallest unit of the Church is the family unit, or the “little Church”.

The chapter goes on to suggest that family life is a type of asceticism. Just as monks are interrupted from their daily tasks for prayer, so family members are interrupted from their daily tasks by each other. But rather than distracting us from it, family life can actually bring each member of a family deeper into the spiritual life, when it is properly approached. The authors encourage their readers to look for ways to make their own home a “natural monastery”, where the family works together and grows spiritually at the same time.

The chapter continues with a closer look at marriage and baptism: two foundational events in the construction of the little Church. The authors offer their readers the opportunity to revisit many prayers from each of those events, to see how, even from marriage and from baptism, the Church of their home is being established among its members. The authors encourage parents to remember that it is their job to raise saints, and that, as they work toward that end, the family can practice asceticism together. The chapter closes with several “holy habits” that families can develop to work toward this end.

Do you have a parenting question for the “Blueprints For the Little Church” authors? Connect with Elissa here: https://elissabjeletich.com/contact/ and email Caleb at caleb.shoemaker@gmail.com.

 

Here are a few gleanings from chapter 1:

***

“The little church has its own hierarchy and its lay versions of the sacraments—we break bread together, we bless one another, anoint one another, pray for one another, and love one another in this little community, striving together to grow ever closer to Christ.” (p. 22, “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker, Ancient Faith Publishing, 2016)

***

“Family life, however, can also lead one to deep spirituality. A family can be immersed in prayer, both at table and after, and their hospitality and generosity will speak of an earnest application of Christ’s exhortation to love their neighbor as themselves.” (p. 23, “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker, Ancient Faith Publishing, 2016)

***

“God sends everything to us for our salvation, and we can receive it that way, accepting each of our daily tasks and experiences as a call to prayer. When confronted with mountains of laundry, we can thank God for clothing us as He clothes the lilies of the field; when approaching a sink full of dirty dishes, we can thank Him for providing food and ask that He nourish our souls as well. Every mundane task that makes family life so busy can be received as a call to prayer.” (p. 25, “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker, Ancient Faith Publishing, 2016)

***

“The truth is that your home is a school, a hospital, and a church. Your children will learn their spirituality from you, and it is a sacred calling for parents to shepherd—literally, to pastor—their children in the ways of righteousness.” (p. 27, “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker, Ancient Faith Publishing, 2016)

***

“It is in these moments—these holy spaces—that man and woman are no longer individuals but are bound to one another, and a new one icon is created. It is in this holy event that a young child is crucified with Christ, resurrected with Him in glory, sealed with the Holy Spirit, and tonsured—set apart—for the work of the priesthood in which all believers participate.” (pp. 29-30, “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker, Ancient Faith Publishing, 2016)

***

“…Our little churches should be communities always centered on Christ, where love and forgiveness reign, where we pray together ad struggle toward salvation together. This includes directing our children in loving submission and repentance to their Heavenly Father, who has promised to complete a good work in them. It is not about manners—it’s about holiness. It’s not about “good behavior” — it’s about a life given completely to God in loving humility and peace.” (p. 32, “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker, Ancient Faith Publishing, 2016)

***

“Sunday school, religious schools, and summer camps are not enough; they may enrich what you are doing in the home, but they cannot replace it. We cannot outsource the raising of saints.” (p. 34, “Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home” by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker, Ancient Faith Publishing, 2016)

***

 

Gleanings from a Book: “Parent Points” by Fr. Chris Kerhulas

Author’s note: To the person who posted about this book on social media, thereby alerting me to its existence: thank you! I have not yet met Fr. Chris; and I had no idea that he’d written a book that could be so helpful to both parents and teachers; or that he would be kind enough to send a copy so that I could share read it and share it with you. My own children are grown, but the ideas and information in this book are helpful to me as I relate to them. Hopefully having read this book will also make me a better “fellow parishioner” to the young members of our parish. For all of this, I am very grateful.

Fr. Chris Kerhulas’ book “Parent Points” is small but mighty. In its 107 pages, he blends his 40+ years of ministry experience with personal experience from parenting and grandparenting. Each chapter offers stories, wisdom, and insights into life as a young person, explained in a way which their significant adults can understand. Each chapter ends with “points,” takeaways for the reader to both meditate on and work on in their relationship with their children/youth.

“Parent Points” was an enjoyable, but meaty read. It made me both laugh and cry. It allowed me to reflect/reminisce while also planning ahead for future interactions. Best of all, the book made me THINK. How do I interact with the young people in my life? How can I improve those interactions? How can I help them to grow towards Christ, conveying His great love for them through the way that I treat them?

I found this book to be helpful to me as a parent, as an educator, and as one who is trying to better love all of the children in my life. What set the tone of the book for me – actually, one of my big “takeaways” on this first readthrough- is not even written by Fr. Chris. It is found on very the first pages, in a forward written by Fr. Chris’ friend Robert Krantz, where he talks about Fr. Chris’ interaction with children over the years. It speaks to the way in which Fr. Chris leads by example. “He talked to young men and women about the things they really wanted to talk about. He gave them an open forum to express themselves, never judging them and he gave them one huge gift back; love… Every time he saw a kid struggling… he saw himself. Because of what he’d gone through, he knew each of those kids was special, and had enormous potential, even if the world had not figured it out yet. He was the first one to let each and every one of those kids know they were special.” (p. 5-6) Hearing about Fr. Chris’ genuine love for and respect for each child from the beginning of the book challenged me to read on, to try to figure out how to improve my own relationships with the children in my life. I was delighted to discover that his genuine love for young people comes through loud and clear throughout the book, along with ideas of ways that we can better love the young folks around us.

“Parent Points” is addressed to any adult with children in their life. It contains 13 chapters, with titles such as “The Guilt Trip: Your Behavior is Killing Me!;” “Depression: You Will Be Found;” “Divorce is Death;” “Who Am I? Who Is God, and Where Is He?;” and ends with “I Am Free.” The chapters are not long, and can be read one at a time, or inhaled quickly. Chances are, this book will not be a one-off read: readers will revisit it over the years, in order to better soak in Fr. Chris’ wisdom and check their own improvement. I certainly intend to re-read it! The children and young people in my life need to be loved and esteemed in the ways exemplified in this book. The ideas here will continually help me to evaluate my interactions with them to that end.

In the introduction, Fr. Chris offers this to the reader: “I hope these words of wisdom will be of use and help to bring some comfort and reassurance in your time of need. Remember, you’re not alone—we all go through trials and tribulations, and we are all far from being perfect, but we can always learn from our mistakes or the mistakes of others. If we do it right, our children will also learn to be better, stronger, and more resilient in the face of adversity that awaits them out there in the world.” (p. 14)

This book is a “must-read” for parents, grandparents, godparents, and educators. It would also be a fantastic book study for parishes who truly value their young people. Find information about how to purchase your own copy of “Parent Points” here: https://frchriskerhulas.com/

 

Here are a few gleanings from the book:
***
Point #5 after “The Headphone Generation”:

“When opportunities for a live, interpersonal exchange appear, make your child turn off her personal device. Even if her response is angry, you are giving your child the message that she is an important and necessary part of the family. When parents simply allow children to tune out and lock themselves in their rooms, the message, after a period of time, is that their presence doesn’t matter. (“Parent Points” by Fr. Chris Kerhulas, p. 19)

***

From the chapter “Sibling Magic”:

“We may know that our siblings love us, but hearing it and saying it back is a much-needed experience, especially during those difficult teenage years… when older siblings tell their younger brothers or sisters how much they matter and that they are there for them, life—especially in moments of crisis—becomes much easier to manage… When younger siblings have the strength to tell their older siblings how much they mean to them, any arrogance and egotism in the older sibling gets wiped away.. I believe loving sibling relationships are parallel to having guardian angels.” (“Parent Points” by Fr. Chris Kerhulas, pp. 23-24)

***

From the chapter “The Guilt Trip: Your Behavior is Killing Me!”:

“Throughout the ages, parents have wielded guilt as one of their most effective weapons against willful and unruly children… Guilt is what I refer to as a triple negative; it is a negative emotion meant to negate negative behavior. As a disciplinary tactic, not only is it illogical, but it also just muddies the water, making matters worse in the long run. Parents all over the world are going to hate me for saying this, but guilt does no good whatsoever.” (“Parent Points” by Fr. Chris Kerhulas, pp. 27-28)

***

From the chapter “Express Yourself”:

“Learning to express oneself is crucial to stabilize a child’s emotional core and promote healthy growth. Children who are constantly shut out and told, ‘You are to be seen and not heard,’ or, ‘Do not speak unless spoken to,’ rarely grow up to become loving, caring, and thoughtful people. Why should they? If they are not given the chance to express an opinion and weigh in on life around them, why should any courtesy be extended to the individuals they come into contact with? …The abuse of drugs and alcohol causes one to wonder if these issues might be headed off by behavior modification: stopping and listening to what your child isn’t saying… It seems somewhat rudimentary to say this, but both children and parents have the right to express themselves. When that right gets taken away from either party you will eventually have a crisis on your hands.” (“Parent Points” by Fr. Chris Kerhulas, pp. 33-34)

***

From the chapter “Depression: You Will be Found”:

“‘Don’t chastise them or come down on them with a guilt trip,’ I tell these younger clergy. ‘Just be there for them.’ Sometimes a hug or just going to a sporting event or movie with them helps the healing. Unfortunately, many clergy or counselors will scold, frighten, or attempt to shame [a young person in their care]… but what’s more important—casting judgment or helping this young person to heal?”

(“Parent Points” by Fr. Chris Kerhulas, p. 43; brackets replacing a case study in the book)

***

From the chapter “God Can Help”:

“Respect for parents, authority figures, oneself, and God is something parents absolutely need to address with their children… The development of free thinkers and young people growing through their decisions—be they positive or negative—can only be achieved if your children know they are loved, cared for, and belong. What we are really talking about here is providing structure. Parents who are too busy or never around to spend time with their children are asking for problems. Define for yourself and your children what structure means and how it can be their friend not only at home, but also in school, at church, and throughout their lives as they grow.”

(“Parent Points” by Fr. Chris Kerhulas, p. 50)

***

Point #2 after the chapter “Mentoring: Finally, Somebody Gets Me!”:

“Make sure that activities stimulate the mind as well as the body. Sports should be coupled with enterprises like Scouting, board games, theatre, math, or literature groups. Balance is the key component in healthy experiences. When a group’s leader tells you your child’s involvement in a particular activity is deepening, a mentorship may be on the horizon.”

(“Parent Points” by Fr. Chris Kerhulas, p. 59)

***

From the chapter “Divorce is Death”:

“The losers in divorce are almost always the children. And the losses one has to cope with when coming out of a divorce can be even more difficult than losing a parent in death. The positive thing about death is that it allows everyone involved to remember happier times, the beautiful moments, the positive and loving experiences with the recently departed… when a loving (and well-loved) parent dies, pictures are put up all over the house to help us remember the good times and how much we were loved. Divorce tends to bring out the negative and the failures (real or perceived) of the other parent… Pictures are taken down and hidden as if the parent never existed. It’s an attempt to erase the past, a form of denial that can really mess with the children’s minds… That’s the reality of divorce: a death of the complete family unit.”

(“Parent Points” by Fr. Chris Kerhulas, pp. 65-66)

***

From the chapter “I Love You… Now Get Out!”:

“Letting go of your children, but never letting them forget you are there for them, is very tough for every parent. You will let go, believe me, or your child will force the separation, which is something you simply don’t want… As a loving parent, you never want to look back and think, ‘If only I had the chance, I would do things differently.’ Whenever possible, you want to be able to look back and say to yourself, ‘I gave it all I had and loved every minute of it, mistakes and all.’”

(“Parent Points” by Fr. Chris Kerhulas, p. 75)

***

From the chapter “Gifting: Spend That Extra Cash While You Can (You May Never Have Another Chance)”:

“The sentiment that you should give what you are able, when you are able, and with the resources you have available, is as crucial as any lesson you can impart to your children…We never know what lies around the corner in our lives. So, share the love when you can, and in any way you can… but, you know, don’t go completely nuts.” (“Parent Points” by Fr. Chris Kerhulas, p. 80)

***

From the chapter “Who am I? Who Is God, and Where Is He?”:

“A long time ago, a friend told me the following, which I’ve always used in my personal treatment of life in general, and I want you to hear it: ‘I looked for my self, and my self I could not find. I looked for my God, and my God I could not find. I looked for my brother, and I found all three.’”

(“Parent Points” by Fr. Chris Kerhulas, p. 90)

***

From the chapter “A Well-Intended Lie”:

“…Although his parents raised him on the well-intended lie, ‘You can be whatever you want to be,’ they are only interested in their oldest becoming a doctor or lawyer… I have seen this scenario replayed countless times during my forty-three years of ministry. Each time it has come up, I’ve witnessed the damage caused by a conflict between well-intentioned parents and youth who are just beginning to discover where their strengths and talents lie… it subverts the well intended lie by instead effectively saying, ‘You can be whatever we want you to be.’ It is an easy trap for a parent to fall into.

 

“Encouraging children and young adults is important. The world we live in so often focuses on the negative, so parents must be a force of positive encouragement in their children’s lives.” (“Parent Points” by Fr. Chris Kerhulas, p. 94)

***

From the chapter “I Am Free”:

“All young people run into rough patches. Sometimes they just need someone to talk to, someone to assure them that whatever they’re going through is going to get better.”

(“Parent Points” by Fr. Chris Kerhulas, p. 105)

***

 

On Orthodox Christian Principles of Child Rearing: Principle 6: Teach the Joy of Repentance

Note: This series of blog posts will focus on principles important to Orthodox Christians who are raising children. The series will feature a closer look at Dr. Philip Mamalakis’ book, “Parenting Toward the Kingdom: Orthodox Christian Principles of Child Rearing.” Each week we will take a closer look at one section of the book, which is divided into 6 basic principles of child rearing. Find an overview blog post about the book here: https://orthodoxchristianparenting.wordpress.com/2017/02/08/gleanings-from-a-book-parenting-toward-the-kingdom-by-dr-philip-mamalakis/. We thank Dr. Mamalakis and Ancient Faith Publishing for giving us permission to share his wisdom with you in this way. Purchase your own copy of his book here: http://store.ancientfaith.com/parenting-toward-the-kingdom/.

Principle #6: Teach the joy of repentance

Dr. Philip Mamalakis’ book “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” is filled with wisdom and encourages godly parenting. The sixth and final principle, “Teach the joy of repentance,” is yet another challenge towards godliness, and is as invaluable to the souls of the parents who follow it as it is to those of their children. He begins with a chapter on repentance, then discusses the joy of repentance, and closes with the encouragement that Orthodox Christian homes nurture repentance and confession.

The chapter on repentance begins by encouraging parents not to focus on “doing” parenting, but rather to focus on loving God while responding to our children. He emphasizes that only a saint would parent perfectly, and that we should not expect ourselves to be able to do so. Rather, we should expect ourselves to learn and grow, just as we expect our children to learn and grow. The Holy Spirit will raise in us the fruits necessary to be the parents we must be. If we want to best reach our long-term parenting goals, we need to labor to acquire the Holy Spirit. As we work towards living a Godly life, it is important that we not cover over our mistakes; but rather that we use those mistakes to teach our children the joy that is found in repentance. Since repentance is at the heart of our Christian life, it follows that teaching repentance should be at the heart of our parenting.

Dr. Mamalakis begins the chapter on the joy of repentance by stating that joy and repentance are not usually associated with each other. However, he continues, it becomes apparent that learning to repent brings about healing in our lives, and that healing in turn, brings joy. When we make mistakes, it is important that we reflect on what we’ve done wrong, repent, and have a plan for how to learn from that mistake. When we do so, our children learn that Kingdom values/virtues are real as we are teaching them how to attain those values and virtues.

The final chapter of the book encourages us to nurture repentance and confession in our home. He suggests that including forgiveness with our other parenting interventions is an appropriate way to nurture such an atmosphere. He encourages the reader to be quick to forgive and to only keep track of our children’s misbehaviors so that we can better figure out how to help our children work through them, not in order to use those misbehaviors against our children. He recommends that families regularly ask each other for forgiveness as part of their Saturday evening preparation for communion. This sets the stage for a natural affinity for confession, wherein we restore our relationship with God by asking His forgiveness for our sins. He encourages the reader to nurture a culture of prayer in the home. Prayer helps us to better parent while also allowing our children to personally experience God’s grace. He reminds the reader once more that the ultimate goal of Orthodox parenting is that when our children are grown and leave home, they carry with them Christ and His Church. Repentance, confession, and prayer along the way will help us achieve that goal.

Have a parenting question for Dr. Mamalakis? Ask him here (at the bottom of the page): http://www.drmamalakis.com/contact.html

Here are a few gleanings from the chapters related to Principle #6:  

***

“Ultimately, children need to be loved. If we are more focused on parenting the right way than loving our kids, that’s not good for our kids.” (p. 281; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“The truth is, we don’t have the patience, kindness, gentleness, wisdom, and self-control to be the types of parents we might want to be, but God helps us acquire these virtues as fruits of the Holy Spirit. If we focus on trying to do everything perfectly, we will fail. If we focus on acquiring the Holy Spirit, the values and virtues of the Kingdom of God will fill our hearts and our homes.” (p. 284; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“The ascetic self-denial required of parenting is an act of love directed at our children and, we believe, toward Christ. We, as parents, are invited by Christ in every parenting interaction to turn away from our own impulses and desires and draw close to Him… As we respond to God’s invitation, we teach our children how God is inviting them, in every interaction, to love.” (p. 287 ; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“Our children don’t need us to be perfect to teach them the right way to live, but they do need us to admit when we’ve fallen off the path. The very act of admitting we made a mistake teaches our children that there is a right way, and we blew it. When we repent we show our children both the right path and how to get back on the path when we fall off.” (p. 288; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“When we embrace repentance and forgiveness, our mistakes and failures are no longer fatal. Repentance, confession, and forgiveness are the antidotes to sin, hurt, and our human failings Sin and failures are a fact of our human condition and of family life… We can either give our children a legacy of our sins or a legacy of repentance. We don’t need to be perfect families, but if we want to grow, learn, and  be perfected as families, we need to be repentant.” (pp. 292-293; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“As we understand the true nature of repentance and confession, we can see that it is more about love, joy, and freedom than sin, criticism, or blame. It only makes sense to learn to do this as often as possible.” (pp. 296-297; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“…the goal of parenting is to have children internalize the joy of repentance as one of the greatest gifts we have to thrive in marriage and in life. Children don’t need consequences as much as they need repentance in their hearts. .. When our children experience the joy of reconciliation that follows the pain of sin and repenting, they learn that our sins are temporary, but God’s love and mercy are eternal.” (p. 298; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“It can be difficult for our kids to see that we are human Our mistakes hurt and confuse them. But if they see that we are repentant humans, they learn that we really love them and that repentance is real. Consider how you want your children to respond when they misbehave, and model that for them when you misbehave… Even in our failures—particularly in our failures—we can teach our children how to thrive in life.” (pp. 302-303; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“Teaching children to ask for forgiveness allows us a pathway to address misbehaviors when there are no consequences or when consequences don’t make sense. If we hand out consequences for every misdeed, family life becomes nothing but a series of consequences for mistakes. Rather, if we require our children to ask for forgiveness, family life becomes filled with constantly getting back on the right path.” (p. 305; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“When our children misbehave, we need to be quick to forgive them as we take the side of their feelings and set limits to their behaviors. Forgiving our children means letting go of our feelings of fear, hurt, shame, frustration, anger, or resentment when they misbehave… Forgiving our children is about healing our hearts as our children learn and grow. It is an inner disposition in our hearts that says, ‘I will not hold your misbehaviors against you. I love you no matter how long it takes you to learn how to behave. And you have to learn how to behave.’” (pp. 307-308; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“When our children see that we are trying to live out the Gospel in our homes and going to regular confession as part of that journey, they make the connection between the Gospel they hear in church and the struggles and learning that happen in the home. In this way, our children learn that God and His Kingdom are real. Parenting is not about stopping misbehaviors but about shaping children’s hearts and minds according to the Gospel and God’s Kingdom.” (p. 314; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“We don’t always know how to respond to our children, where to set the limits, and what the consequence should be, but we can always pray. As we learn to turn to Christ in prayer and to parent with prayer, we will discover the endless love of God, which enables us to parent in peace and raise our children in peace, joy, and love.” (p.316; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“To parent toward the Kingdom requires us to improve the way we interact with our children in every situation and to connect our hearts and homes to Christ and His Church… That doesn’t solve their problem or make their lives easy, but it does allow them to internalize the reality of God and the values and the virtues of His Kingdom deep within their hearts. That way, when they leave our home, they carry within their hearts Christ and His Church to guide them toward the Kingdom.” (p. 319; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

 

On Orthodox Christian Principles of Child Rearing: Principle 5: Teach the Joy of Obedience

Note: This series of blog posts will focus on principles important to Orthodox Christians who are raising children. The series will feature a closer look at Dr. Philip Mamalakis’ book, “Parenting Toward the Kingdom: Orthodox Christian Principles of Child Rearing.” Each week we will take a closer look at one section of the book, which is divided into 6 basic principles of child rearing. Find an overview blog post about the book here: https://orthodoxchristianparenting.wordpress.com/2017/02/08/gleanings-from-a-book-parenting-toward-the-kingdom-by-dr-philip-mamalakis/. We thank Dr. Mamalakis and Ancient Faith Publishing for giving us permission to share his wisdom with you in this way. Purchase your own copy of his book here: http://store.ancientfaith.com/parenting-toward-the-kingdom/.

 

Principle 5: Teach the Joy of Obedience

 

Dr. Mamalakis encourages his readers to teach their children the joy of obedience in chapters 14 and 15 of his book “Parenting Toward the Kingdom.” Chapter 14 focuses on the joy of obedience, and ch. 15 encourages parents to nurture a culture of listening. Parents need to be attuned to both to successfully teach their children the joy of obedience.

He begins the chapter about the joy of obedience by acknowledging that it is difficult to get our children to listen to us and to obey. He states that while obedience is important, it is not the end goal. Our end goal is for our children to be strong enough to follow God, and demanding obedience from them can damage the strength of their will, reducing the likelihood that they could be that strong when they are grown. We do have authority over our children, and we are responsible to help them learn to obey. But we should not take our authority and abuse it, forcing obedience from them. Instead we must utilize our authority to nurture a home environment that allows our children to learn and grow in all of the virtues, including obedience. Obedience shows both faith and love when it is lived out, whether in the home or before God. The more fully our children know that we care, respect, and love them, the easier it is for them to live within our guidelines and obey us. It is important that we model obedience to our children by genuinely living the Faith in our own home, and by prioritizing peace, repentance, and love in the process.

Dr. Mamalakis goes on in the next chapter to encourage his readers to hone their listening skills. He writes that if we expect our children to listen to us, it follows that we should model that by truly listening to them and to our spouse. It takes self-denial to truly listen to others, but when we do, they see their value to us as icons of God. When we truly listen, our children feel that they have a voice (even if it doesn’t change our direction) and affirms that we respect them. When we listen before we take any action, we successfully model the way we want our children to live: respectfully and virtuously. So, first we connect with our child; then we are in a position to correct them. It is important that we continue to teach our children about listening in the non-emotionally-intense times such as bedtime, mealtimes, etc. so that our discussions about listening are not limited to when tensions have escalated. The key to teaching listening is to model it effectively in the way that we interact with our children.

Have a parenting question for Dr. Mamalakis? Ask him here (at the bottom of the page): http://www.drmamalakis.com/contact.html

Here are a few gleanings from the chapters related to Principle #5:

***

“Children need to learn obedience just like they need to learn patience, kindness, and self-control. Because they are learning, we need to be teaching, not just demanding, obedience. (p. 254; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“Demanding obedience does not work in the long term because, while we do have authority over our children, we do not have the authority to crush their wills. That is disrespectful. They will need their wills to be strong as adults to make good decisions and to follow God, which is our long-term goal.” (p. 255; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“Our goal is not to raise up robots who just do what they are told. Our goal is to have our children internalize a spirit… of obedience to God and His commandments by the time they leave our homes so that they will choose, with their own will, to be obedient to God.” (p. 256; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“Obedience teaches our children to let go of getting what they want, when they want it. Our long-term goal is to raise children who align their wills with God’s will, rather than live enslaved to their impulses and desires. ” (pp. 258 – 259; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“God’s love should fill our homes with joy even in the midst of our struggles. The gospel is called the Good News, not the Oppressive Rules. Our job is to try to parent in joy, with joy, as our children struggle to listen.

More effective than demanding obedience is modeling obedience and having close relationships with our children.” (pp. 262 – 263; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“As children observe the parents living the sacramental life of the Church, they will internalize the life of the church as real. If they experience this life as joyful, they internalize the joy of obedience.

Keep in mind, however, that if the external practices of the Church in the home are not accompanied by love, caring, and connection, children will develop a distaste for these practices. Prioritize peace, love, and repentance as you do your best to connect the Church to the home.” (p. 265; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“The best way to teach listening is to listen to our children. We venerate our children (and our spouses) as icons of Christ by listening to them.” (p. 267; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“Listening is an act of love. Real listening requires that we resist the temptation to ignore, interrupt, give advice, criticize, or react. It requires selflessness and is an ascetic act of self-giving. When we listen to someone, we make ourselves present and attentive to what the person is saying. It is a type of self-denial and a real act of love.” (p. 268; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“Listening first with questions like, ‘What’s going on? What happened?Tell me what you were thinking,’ or even, ‘Why did you hit your sister?’ is respectful and invites children to reflect. Listening to children does not mean we don’t set limits and give consequences. It means we check in with them before we do anything. That is our struggle: to model respect and teach them that they are icons of Christ by listening before we set limits or give consequences.” (p. 272; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“If our child’s angry, childish reactions are met with angry, childish reactions from us, we end up escalating the conflict, and it is not clear who the adults are anymore. When we react, we lose our authority as parents.” (p. 274; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“…we use our God-given authority not to silence our children, but to set the expectation that the home is where we are all learning to listen. We should be strict about requiring listening but stricter about modeling listening and focusing on connecting with our children as they are learning.” (p. 277; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“It is more effective to get your child’s attention with a gentle touch than to repeat yourself.” (p. 278; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“Beware, it is very difficult to teach listening if our children to don’t see or experience the adults in the home listening to them… We don’t need to force this issue with each parenting incident, but we do need to nurture a household in which everyone is learning to listen.” (p. 278; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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