Category Archives: Love

On Orthodox Christian Principles of Child Rearing: Principle #4: Separate Feelings from Behaviors

Note: This series of blog posts will focus on principles important to Orthodox Christians who are raising children. The series will feature a closer look at Dr. Philip Mamalakis’ book, “Parenting Toward the Kingdom: Orthodox Christian Principles of Child Rearing.” Each week we will take a closer look at one section of the book, which is divided into 6 basic principles of child rearing. Find an overview blog post about the book here: https://orthodoxchristianparenting.wordpress.com/2017/02/08/gleanings-from-a-book-parenting-toward-the-kingdom-by-dr-philip-mamalakis/. We thank Dr. Mamalakis and Ancient Faith Publishing for giving us permission to share his wisdom with you in this way. Purchase your own copy of his book here: http://store.ancientfaith.com/parenting-toward-the-kingdom/.

Principle 4: Separate Feelings from Behaviors

 

Dr. Mamalakis encourages parents to separate feelings from behaviors in principle 4 of Parenting Toward the Kingdom. This is a very important principle, as demonstrated by the fact that it takes almost one-third of the book to speak to it. He addresses this principle across seven chapters: Take the Side of Feelings, Set Limits to Behaviors, Strategies for Setting Limits, Setting Limits With Your Child, Responding to Pushback, Understanding Consequences, and Giving Consequences.

Dr. Mamalakis begins by encouraging parents to take the side of feelings. Our children’s feelings and behaviors require different responses, and as always, our children are learning by how we respond to them. It is thus important that we stand with our children and help them learn to manage their feelings, so that they are not controlled by them. When we help our children learn to manage their feelings, they learn to behave correctly even when they don’t feel like doing so. When we name our children’s feelings, we can nurture connection by also empathizing; but all the while holding steadfast to our expectation for right behavior. Sticking firmly to limits while helping our children learn to manage their emotions nurtures a respectful culture in our home.

Dr. Mamalakis continues by commending parents to set limits to behaviors. He says that children learn best when their parents have done well at setting limits. The limits that parents set will be good ones if they are clear and non-negotiable, shaped by God and His Own limits for His Church. These limits must be respectful and effective, and should work towards the family’s long-term goals. While the limits are being established and enforced, parents need to be careful to connect with their children.

Dr. Mamalakis next offers strategies for setting limits. He acknowledges that there are many ways to set limits, the best limits are clear and consistent, and steadfastly enforced. While “no” is simple and firm, it can often lead to a power struggle, so it is not necessarily the best way to begin to set a limit: instead, Dr. Mamalakis recommends “not yet.” Another option is to offer the child a pathway to getting a “yes!” (ie: “Yes, after you have done x [thing that needs to be done] you may do y [that thing you just asked if you could do].”) Giving directions and instructions is another way to set limits, but we must be careful not to misuse or overuse it. Along the way, sharing information with our children, directing them to the kind of behavior we want to see, breaking tasks into smaller ones, and incorporating fun into the directions/instructions makes easier for our children to understand and complete them. Giving directions straight up (not disguised as questions) and giving five-minute warnings for transitions are among other effective strategies. Above all, parents need to allow their children to struggle with the limits, not rescuing them or getting angry when they struggle; but lovingly supporting them in the struggle.

Dr. Mamalakis goes on to discuss setting limits with your child. Because a parent’s goal is for their children to grow up to make their own decisions and live within the limitations of the Faith, it makes sense for the children to gradually help to set their limits; to make choices and be responsible as is appropriate for their age. As parents set limits together with their children, Dr. Mamalakis suggests the following strategies: give choices, collaborate, brainstorm solutions, prepare your children beforehand, and follow up with them later.

Dr. Mamalakis gives ideas of ways that parents can respond to pushback. He tells his readers that it is normal for children to resist/argue/protest limits; and it is how they test to see if the rules really are firm. He suggests that, in response to pushback, we check in with our children; stand firmly by our rules; describe the process; walk away to give our children time to pull it together; apply the parenting strategies we know; reinforce any positive effort we notice; only explain our reasoning behind the rules once; give a “pull yourself together” time out (not as a punishment); and set limits to the pushback. If our children push beyond the limits that we have set, we will need to respond with consequences; but consequences are not the first response to pushback.

Dr. Mamalakis writes that consequences should be the last resort when our children do not behave. They should help our children learn that our limits are firm, and teach our children about how life works. While we give consequences to our children for their behaviors, we need to be mindful of how we do so, in order to continue communicating that we love them unconditionally. We need to allow our children to experience natural consequences, demonstrate limiting behavior by limiting our own, and be prepared to give logical consequences when needed.

The final piece of principle 4 is that Dr. Mamalakis talks parents through giving consequences. He writes that logical consequences range from tightening the limits to asking forgiveness to removing privileges. He warns parents against using vague or empty threats, and encourages his readers to be willing to sometimes “lose the battle to win the war,” so to speak.

May God help us all to learn to separate feelings from behaviors!
Have a parenting question for Dr. Mamalakis? Ask him here (at the bottom of the page): http://www.drmamalakis.com/contact.html

Here are a few gleanings from the chapters related to Principle #4:

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“Children typically know the right thing to do but misbehave because they can’t control their desires, impulses, or emotions. To help our children learn to manage their emotions and control their desires, we need to learn to respond to their emotions, not just their misbehaviors.” (p. 129; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“Naming feelings, when done respectfully, communicates respect for our children. By taking an interest in their feelings, we communicate that we are interested in them. If we respect our children as equal to us as persons, as icons of Christ, we need to respect their emotional world. We name their feelings with statements like:

‘You seem overwhelmed.’

‘Are you mad?’

‘Are you sad the day is over?’

‘Do you miss your mother?’

‘Are you mad at me?’

Are you frustrated with your brother?’”

(p. 135; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“Paying a little attention to our child’s inner world is far more effective at helping our children navigate the disappointments of life than saying something like, ‘Why are you in such a foul mood?’ or ‘What’s wrong with you?’ or making statements of fact, like ‘Life’s not fair.’ ‘Not everyone can make the team.’ Or worse yet, ‘Did you upset the coach?’ Nothing hurts more than when your parents seem to turn against you when you’re in pain… Parenting is not about always voicing the right answer but about communicating care and respect.” (p. 142; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“When children misbehave, the temptation is to look for a consequence to stop the behavior… Parents need to use consequences, but that should not be the first or only thing we do when children misbehave. Consequences may stop their misbehaviors in the short term but undermine our long-term goals. Our goal is to raise kids who know how to set limits to their own behaviors and live their lives within God’s limits for salvation. We need to learn how to give consequences in ways that work toward these long-term goals for our children.” (pp. 152-153; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“Rather than giving our children love and limits, we need to think in terms of love as limits. Setting appropriate limits communicates love to our children. Kids should be left neither alone nor in charge. They do best when they experience our love as unconditional and our limits as non-negotiable.” (p. 154; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“Vague commands, instructions, and limits, inconsistently enforced or based on our mood at the time, are ineffective at helping children learn. Imagine playing tennis or volleyball and not being able to see the lines on the court… Imagine how confusing it would be if the rules of a game changed during the game, or if the referee was lazy on the rules when he was in a good mood but added rules arbitrarily when he was upset. In order to learn how to lay a sport, children need clear lines and rules, consistently enforced.” (p. 157; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“If we correct, command, direct, or react to our children before connecting with them, it communicates that we are more concerned about where cleats and balls go than we are about who they are.” (p. 165; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“The best way to teach our children to listen to our words is to accompany then with action. When I say something, I need to be prepared to act. The more my kids know that my words will be followed by action, the more quickly they will learn to listen when I speak.” (p. 174; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“Setting limits with our children helps them learn to set limits to themselves as they grow. Working with our children around our limits helps them understand that we are on their side, that we care about them as we set and enforce the limits. The better you get at setting limits with your kids, the less you’ll have to tell them what to do.” (p. 180; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“Before you tell your child what to do, you might want to ask yourself if he already knows what to do. It’s common for parents to fall into the trap of constantly telling their children things they already know… By the time your child is old enough to think through limits with you he’s probably heard the limits many times before… There are hundreds of examples of things we say to our children that they already know. They know what they have to do but just don’t want to do it or don’t want to think about it. Asking them instead of telling them sends the message that we expect them to think and to already know.” (p. 184; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“Patiently allowing children room to fail or misbehave while calmly setting limits communicates our expectations for good decision-making and respectful behavior. If we’re too afraid to give them autonomy or too critical of then when they fail, how can we expect em to learn? Of course, all parents make mistakes, being either too strict or too lenient or sometimes both, but we can adjust. Children will make mistakes, and they will adjust. The goal is to do this together.” (p. 193; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“Parents are tempted to think they must give a child a consequence when he pushes back or the child won’t learn. ‘He can’t just get away with that!’ I hear. Actually, your child can still learn even if we don’t give a consequence for every pushback. Or we might believe that it is wrong for children to push back. Kids should just do what we say, the first time, without complaining, arguing, or getting upset, right? While that’s true, what’s more accurate is that our children are learning to live within our limits. In order to learn, they are going to push back. We need to resist the temptation to react and be prepared to respond in a variety of ways that work toward our long-term goals.” (p. 198; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

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“I have found that the best response to… painful statements [from our children] is to ignore them in the moment and bring them up later when things are calm. We should take our kids’ frustrations seriously, but if we allow ourselves to react to these childish, angry statements, we give them more credence than they deserve. It is not okay for children to talk to parents like this, but reacting in the moment is not the best way to teach.

It’s also not okay to let this statement go without following up later. But we want to keep our focus on the person of our child rather than her crazy actions and words.” (p. 217; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“Consequences work best when they are used to reinforce the limits rather than to stop kids from misbehaving. We want our children to develop good judgement and learn to live the path of life in Christ. Consequences alone cannot do this.

Speeding tickets do not teach people how to drive, and consequences are not enough to teach our children how to succeed. Because it’s so easy to focus on stopping bad behavior instead of teaching life skills, it is easy to misuse or overuse them…” (pp. 219 – 220; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

(with regard to natural consequences:) “Never make decisions for your children or tell them what to do when they can figure things out by themselves. Letting children experience the effects of their decisions respects their intelligence, their ability to learn, and their developing judgment and autonomy. Kids learn better from first-hand experience than from our telling them what to do, anyway.” (p. 227; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

“It’s tempting to look for more intense consequences when our children repeat the same misbehaviors so that ‘he never does that again!’ Parents need to resist the temptation of adding onto these consequences with a lecture, a lesson, or emotional intensity. Logical consequences work well when we implement them consistently as often as needed…. Children learn best from logical and natural consequences when we issue them the same way each time. They will learn, over time, that it is not worth it to disobey. More importantly, they will learn that we love and respect them. If we respect our children and want to teach them that their choices have effects, we simply issue the consequence patiently and consistently each time. Or, actually, as patiently and consistently as we can.” (p. 238; “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis)

***

 

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On Sharing Our Love (Beyond Valentine’s Day)

For a few weeks of every year, our culture is inundated with love. Everywhere we go we see hearts, roses, chocolates, Cupid and his arrows, and Valentine’s Day cards. The world is a swirl of pink and red. Then Valentine’s Day comes, and we can definitely feel the love! But what about February 15th? Or the 22nd? Or March 19? Do we still feel the love then? Even more importantly, are we still sharing our love then?

It is easy to focus on making sure our family feels loved on that one special day, Valentine’s Day. It is appropriate for us to celebrate our loved ones and declare our love for them! But why stop at just Valentine’s Day? Our family members should be at the top of our “I want you to know that I love you” list: not just on February 14, but all year long!

The purpose of this blog post is to encourage each of us to continue to let our family members know that we love them, even on “ordinary” days. We searched and found many ideas of ways to do just that. We are sharing a few of the ideas in hopes that some will strike a chord with each of us and ignite in us a new determination to warm our family members with our love. If we do so, even when all the roses have wilted, the chocolates have been eaten, and the Valentine’s Day cards have been read, our family members will get the message: “I love you, and I always will.”

Here are a few of the ideas we found:

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Print some little love cards to tuck in lunches or sock drawers: http://www.bhg.com/holidays/valentines-day/cards/funny-pun-quotes-for-your-valentines-day-card/

or here: https://a.dilcdn.com/bl/wp-content/uploads/sites/8/2016/01/lunchbox-notes.jpg

or here: http://www.faithfilledfoodformoms.com/encouraging-lunch-box-notes-for-kids/

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Love your children by better loving your spouse. Perhaps some of these ideas will inspire you:  http://www.shelivesfree.com/2015/02/26-simple-ways-connect-spouse.html

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Occasionally cut your family’s food in heart shapes to remind them of your love. (see http://www.bhg.com/holidays/valentines-day/cards/valentines-day-gift-ideas/?slideId=18fe1b39-34ce-4f90-9dc4-cf752bcaaa0c)

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Leave loving messages on steamy mirrors or family message boards: http://www.bhg.com/holidays/valentines-day/cards/valentines-day-gift-ideas/?slideId=8ea73eec-1d32-4f1b-9425-1f036d6da0ba

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“I don’t believe you can over-love people. Sometimes it’s quiet and subtle, and other times it’s loud and, in my case, obnoxious.” Read more, and get ideas of ways to “spring a love attack on your family” in this blog: http://www.thehouseofhendrix.com/2015/02/11/50-ways-love-attack-on-family/

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Sticky notes can surprise family members with loving notes almost anywhere! http://www.bhg.com/holidays/valentines-day/cards/valentines-day-gift-ideas/?slideId=ebbb219e-8c3d-49d5-89c8-4914d92cff8d

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Make up a secret “I love you!” handshake or motion with each member of the family. You can send them the message anytime, anywhere with this method! http://www.bhg.com/holidays/valentines-day/cards/valentines-day-gift-ideas/?slideId=e685ce72-4121-43db-97e3-a069d003a538

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Write a secret message on white paper with white crayon (to be revealed with watercolor paint) or on white paper with a lemon-juice-moistened cotton swab (to be revealed with the heat of a light bulb or an iron). http://www.bhg.com/holidays/valentines-day/cards/valentines-ideas/?slideId=4e2cc7e2-f14a-4cf3-af21-1a5271f23024

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Consider creating a stash of “love monsters” that your family can use to surprise each other with a little hide-and-find game. A very small version of these little monsters would work: http://eighteen25.com/2013/01/lil-love-monsters/. Or, if you’re not the crafty type, purchase small toy dinosaurs or plastic animals or some other small-but-sturdy toy, draw a heart on each with a gold permanent marker, and use them instead. Once you have your “love monsters” ready, hide them in your family members’ space: a pocket, a briefcase, a backpack, a drawer. When the “love monster” is found, the next part of the game begins: the finder tries to figure out who put the monster there! He/she is awarded with a hug/lovingwords/high five when they solve the mystery, and then secretly prepares to hide the “love monster” in another family member’s things when they least expect it, and the game begins again. Having several “love monsters” hiding out in your home at the same time makes the guessing more fun.

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Here is a great list of 100 more ways to show your kids that you love them: http://totallythebomb.com/100-ways-show-kids-love

Gleanings from a Book: “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” by Dr. Philip Mamalakis

I was so excited when I learned that this book was in the works! Before reading it, I had great expectations: I anticipated that it would be filled with gentle nudges towards godliness based both on years of education and personal experience. I knew that the wisdom in this book would be presented in a practical way backed by the in-the-trenches research that life with 7 children offers to their parents. And once I received and read the book, I was not at all disappointed!

My expectations for this book were the result of personal experience. Our family had the privilege of meeting the Mamalakis family at Family Camp at the Antiochian Village years ago when they were the featured presenters for the parent sessions. We learned so much from Dr. Mamalakis (and from his lovely wife, Georgia) while we were together. My husband and I could step out of the parent sessions and immediately apply the concepts we had just discussed. Our family is the better for having learned these principles, however imperfectly we have applied them. (An aside: We also benefitted from watching the Mamalakis parents apply the principles they had shared, as they interacted with their children over the course of the family camp sessions. It is a joy to watch these parents lovingly guide their children using the principles! There is an abundance of love in Mamalakis family, and these principles allow them to parent their children in the context of that great love. It is a joy to experience.)
But I digress. Let’s get back to the book. “Parenting Toward the Kingdom” outlines the principles that the Mamalakis family has followed:

  1. Always parent with the end in mind.
  2. Respond, don’t react.
  3. Understand struggles in terms of the values and the virtues of the Kingdom of God.
  4. Separate feelings from behaviors.
  5. Teach the joy of obedience.
  6. Teach the joy of repentance.

Each principle has a chapter (or four!) of the book dedicated to it. Every chapter takes an in-depth look at the principle and cites personal experiences or related stories. The stories and examples make this book very accessible to its readers. The principles can be immediately applied, just as my husband and I experienced when we sat under the Mamalakis’ teachings at Family Camp. I would highly recommend this book to any parent or educator who wants to lovingly guide the children in their care in a godly manner. The book would be a great Adult Sunday Church School curriculum, parish book study, or parenting class text.

“Parenting Toward the Kingdom” is easy read. However, its principles will take a lifetime to apply. May God help (and forgive!) all of us as we parent, grandparent, godparent, and otherwise raise His children towards His Kingdom!

Here are a few quotes from the book, to give you a taste of its contents. Purchase your own copy at http://store.ancientfaith.com/parenting-toward-the-kingdom/.

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“Parenting cannot be reduced to a series of steps, techniques, or strategies. The goal of this book is to help parents understand how the daily challenges of parenting relate to our journey in Christ and  our child’s journey in Christ, intimately connected to the life of the Church, and how that connection can inform our responses. Understanding this, we can put all the techniques and strategies in this book in their proper context. Using this book requires that you take a genuine interest in your child and reflect on your own personal spiritual journey. Understanding this, we can put this book in its proper place.” (pp. 12-13)

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“Thinking long-term means thinking about how  you want your children to conduct themselves when they are on their own, away at college, or married with children of their own. What type of adults do you want them to become… As parents… we want our children to be successful in life. As Christian parents, we need to be clear about what we mean by successful. That’s where God’s perspective on success becomes important.” (p. 19)

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“Parenting is not about stopping misbehaviors or getting children to listen to us. It is the process of shaping and guiding our children’s souls in and toward God’s love through the tasks that need to be accomplished and the struggles of daily life. We are teaching them about the spiritual life and the path of holiness as we break up sibling fights or get them to clean their rooms. We are walking with them on that path, on the journey, of growing closer to God in daily life.” (p. 24)

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“We would never deface an icon, yet when we get angry, attack, criticize, or mock our children, we vandalize the icon of Christ. We don’t worship icons, either, yet when we are lenient or indulge our children’s desires, giving in to their demands, we are worshipping our kids, not Christ—which is equally destructive.” (p. 36-37)

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“Learning how to parent is not about learning how to get our children to behave; it’s about learning how to get ourselves to behave. Remember, modeling is the most effective way to teach our children. The goal of this parenting book is to invite parents how to learn to act like adults, no matter what childish behaviors our kids present to us.” (p. 51)

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“While some children act up because they want everyone to look at them, I’d like to suggest that most often our kids are looking for a connection with their parents, not for mere attention… Connection is central to our human nature, and children are wired to seek it.” (p. 66)

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“If we correct, command, direct, or react to our children before connecting with them, it communicates that we are more concerned about where cleats and balls go than about who they are.” (p.165)

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“Time-outs are most often misused as consequences by parents… A time-out is not a consequence, just a good idea. It is, in fact, exactly what a child might need at that moment… Sports teams don’t take time-outs as punishment but as an opportunity to slow down, regroup, and make a plan for going forward… Kids need time-outs when they cannot control themselves or their behaviors. In fact, taking a time-out is something we all need to learn to do when we feel out of control.” (p. 210)

***

“Never make decisions for your children or tell them what to do when they can figure things out by themselves. Letting children experience the effects of their decisions respects their intelligence, their ability to learn, and their developing judgment and autonomy. Kids learn better from firsthand experience than from our telling them what to do, anyway.” (p. 227)

***

“We teach the joy of obedience by helping our children see that obedience is not something just for children. Obedience to God’s commandments is the path for all, parents and children alike… When children feel connected to their parents and see their parents living in obedience to God, they internalize obedience to God as the path of life.” (p. 264)

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“If we are trying to love our children and grow in Christ, then our mistakes become just another opportunity to teach. Remember, our children will learn ore from how we live than from what we say. Children learn how to handle their mistakes by watching how we handle our own… When we repent we show our children both the right path and how to get back on the path when we fall off.” (p. 288)

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“To parent toward the Kingdom requires us to improve the way we interact with our children in every situation and to connect our hearts and homes to Christ and His Church. In this way our children experience the love of God in the home and encounter Christ and His Church in the center of it.” (p. 317)

Excerpts from “Raising Children Who Will Hold Onto the Faith in Our Secular Age,” an article by Dr. Philip Mamalakis

“Raising Children Who Will Hold Onto the Faith in Our Secular Age” is an excellent article by Dr. Philip Mamalakis that was published in PRAXIS magazine’s Fall/Winter 2016 issue. This article is an invaluable resource to Orthodox Christian parents with children of all ages. It recently came to our attention once again, and we have found it so helpful that we have decided to share a few excerpts with the Orthodox Christian Parenting community.

“Will our kids hold onto the Faith? …It’s easy to be worried or scared for the future of the Church, the future of our country, and our kids’ future… The temptation, as parents, when we’re afraid, is to parent out of fear: to control, to restrict, to intensify our monitoring or warn our children of all the possible dangers. Parenting out of fear is destructive to our kids. If we parent out of fear, we pass along fear to our children, and they will hold onto fear as they go out into the world. What our kids really need is to have the judgement and the skills to navigate the dangers of life, and our goal must be to equip them with those skills and that judgement.

“If our faith is nothing more than going to church, our kids will understandably drop that empty ritual as soon as they leave and replace it with something else on Sunday mornings that is easier… If we want our kids to hold onto our faith when they leave, they have to have it deep in their hearts when it is time to go. It has to be their faith, not just ours. That is the goal of parenting.

“How do we raise kids who walk in the light of Christ? …How do we get them to believe and to follow? Well, the short answer is, ‘We don’t.’ That’s not our role as parents. ‘Our goal as parents is not to transmit faith; that is the work of divine grace, and our task is to foster the work of grace.’ (as Sister Magdalen wrote in Children in the Church Today.) …Our role as parents is to foster the work of grace, to provide the environment around our children so they grow up to internalize God, Christ and His Church, as good, true, and right.

“Creating the environment for our children to grow in faith is, in some ways, like a three-legged stool. For this stool to stand, each leg needs to be in place. Each leg is critically important, but no one leg alone is sufficient. Those three legs are: the life of the parent [how we live]; the parent-child relationship [how we relate to our children]; and the connection between the home and the Church [living as the Church of the home]. Each aspect of parenting is crucially important, but no one aspect alone is sufficient.”

The article goes on to expound on each of the “three legs” of the stool, and is well worth reading in its entirety. To inquire about this article or to subscribe to PRAXIS magazine, visit http://www.goarch.org/archdiocese/departments/religioused/praxis.

Here are some additional quotes from the article, as well as links to related resources:

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“The home is our primary mission field… the home is the single greatest influence on our personhood! …I really do believe that the greatest influence that we will have on the world is our children… We are forming their hearts and their minds and their souls and these people will grow up to lead the world…” Listen to Dr. Philip Mamalakis’ excellent talk on the subject of raising children who will hold onto the Faith in our secular age here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zO_sptqYVM

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“Successful kids know deep within their hearts that they are loved by God and by us and desire to freely return that love. Our goal is to help our children to see themselves and others as children of God, as icons of Christ, as holy images of God (Genesis 1:26). This is real self esteem.” ~ Dr. Philip Mamalakis, “Raising Children Who Will Hold Onto the Faith in Our Secular Age,” PRAXIS, Fall/Winter 2016, pp. 33-34.

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“The single most powerful ‘parenting tool’ we have is the way we live ourselves. Children learn the most from modeling their parents’ behaviors. …We’re not supposed to be perfect, because that’s impossible. However, when we fail, do we take responsibility for our mistakes…, repent and get back on track? Trying to be a perfect parent will teach perfectionism, which is a disease, but repentant parents model the path of repentance for our kids. Only when our kids see the values and virtues lived out in our lives are they able to internalize these things as real.” ~ Dr. Philip Mamalakis, “Raising Children Who Will Hold Onto the Faith in Our Secular Age,” PRAXIS, Fall/Winter 2016, p. 36

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“Parenting is about loving our children more than correcting them, and our corrections need to reflect our love for them. You can’t love a child too much, but you can love them in the wrong way. Our love needs to reflect God’s love for them. …Our children need to know that we delight in them, that we recognize that they are a gift to us from God, and our delight in them needs to inform how we relate to them when they’re behaving well and when they’re misbehaving. We might not feel delight when we’re tired or overwhelmed, but they are a gift, and we need to relate to them out of that truth, not out of our own frustrations and feelings.” ~ Dr. Philip Mamalakis, “Raising Children Who Will Hold Onto the Faith in Our Secular Age,” PRAXIS, Fall/Winter 2016, p. 37

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“Our children internalize this reality of God and His kingdom when we connect the daily life of the home to the eternal reality of the Church. We do this by attending church regularly and by our regular involvement, as a family, in the communal life of the Church. We bring the external practices of the Church—the prayer, icons, hymns scripture readings, etc.—into our home life. For example, when we pray in the home we communicate to our children that prayer is real. Prayer becomes normal to our children because it is a normal part of the life of the home. Our children will internalize all the realities of the Church as we integrate them into daily life.” ~ Dr. Philip Mamalakis, “Raising Children Who Will Hold Onto the Faith in Our Secular Age,” PRAXIS, Fall/Winter 2016, p. 38

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“It is the parents who co-create, with God, the stepping-stones to faith; who show by their words and actions, as best they can, the journey to theosis. It is their task, more than any other’s, to teach the special kind of communication we call worship. Symbols need explaining; explanations need giving. Our religious language, or the way we communicate our faith by everything we do and say, needs careful thought. Above all, remember that religious education is not something that stops at age sixteen. Growing in faith is a family affair.” Read more in Elizabeth White’s article, “Stepping Stones to Faith: Nurturing Orthodox Christian Virtues in Your Children” at http://www.antiochian.org/node/16620.

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“Each chapter [of this book] ends with a list of practical ideas any parent might try to help cultivate character qualities such as attentiveness and silence. This small jewel could well be called ‘the Holy Fathers applied to parenting’.” Find the book, Walking in Wonder: Nurturing Christian Virtues in Your Children, at: http://store.ancientfaith.com/walking-in-wonder-nurturing-christian-virtues-in-your-children/

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How are you helping your children to grow in their faith and to hang onto the truths of Orthodox Christianity in the face of the secular culture in which you live? This fall we will be writing blog posts containing practical ideas for daily living Orthodoxy in the home. Will you please help us by sharing your ideas? This form can help you think through your family’s schedule to think of ways that you as a family are living the Faith together. If possible, kindly pass on your family’s traditions in as many of the following categories as possible, and then submit your answers so that we can share them with the community.

Reminder: survey forms received by Sept. 1, 2016 will be entered into a drawing for a copy of the book Blueprints for the Little Church: Creating an Orthodox Home by Elissa Bjeletich and Caleb Shoemaker. (A total of three copies will be given away.)
Thank you in advance for helping the Orthodox Christian Parenting community in this way!
http://www.antiochian.org/sites/default/files/living_orthodoxy_daily_in_the_home_survey.pdf

 

Encouragement for Orthodox Christian Fathers

There are many definitions of the word “father.” Here are a few of them:

“Father:

b) A male whose impregnation of a female results in the birth of a child. c) A man who adopts a child. d) A man who raises a child.

…A male ancestor: He has died and now sleeps with his fathers.

 a) A man who creates, originates, or founds something: Chaucer is considered the father of English poetry. b) A man who serves or is thought of as a protector: beloved as the father of the nation.

Father-Christianity

a) God. b)The first person of the Christian Trinity.

One of the leading men, as of a city: the town fathers.

Abbr.- Fr.

 a) A priest or clergyman in the Roman Catholic or Anglican churches. b) Used as a title and form of address with or without the clergyman’s name.”

From http://www.thefreedictionary.com/fathering.

It is our hope that the Orthodox Christian fathers in our community are living examples of many of the definitions above. An Orthodox Christian father needs to move beyond the mere biological portion of fatherhood to being the man who raises his child(ren), founds the little Church in his home, protects all therein, acts as Our Father (God) would act towards his child(ren), leads the family, and takes seriously the role of priest in his own home.

To encourage the fathers in our community, this week’s blog post focuses on Orthodox Christian fathering. Each link will offer thought-provoking ideas and encouragement for the fathers among us. May God bless all of you, fathers, and grant you many years, as you raise your children in the Holy Orthodox Church!

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The Spiritual Aspects Of Fatherhood

by Al Rossi, Ph.D.

A conference participant once asked the speaker, “What is the best way for a father to love his children?” The speaker replied, “The best way for a father to love his children is to love their mother.” I reflect often upon that superbly accurate statement. And I think the reverse is equally true: the best way a mother can love her children is to love their father.

More than anything else in the world, children need a loving family and parents who support each other, even if the parents are apart through separation or divorce.

Christ challenges us to love one another, and that challenge becomes even more compelling within our own families. Even in the best of families, there is broken-ness. And that is why the man’s call to fatherhood is so important. We fathers are called to show our families strong, manly love and forgiveness, virtues modeled powerfully in the father of the prodigal son (Luke 11:32).

This father is stable, loving, and generous. In his fairness, he avoids violating the freedom of either of his sons. When the prodigal demands his inheritance and decides to leave, the father does not attempt to withhold the money. He does not pressure the son to stay by trying to make him feel guilty. And the father is wise enough not to send care packages to relieve the son’s distress. The father allows both of his adult sons to make their own mistakes and to learn from their failures, an appropriate form of discipline for older adolescents and young adults.

The prodigal’s father demonstrates manly leadership by taking loving initiatives, and he takes many such initiatives. He maintains a thriving business to provide the generous inheritance. He creates and supports a loving family for the prodigal to run from and for the older son to remain with. And there was his last generous, joyful initiative as he runs out to embrace the returning son, kiss him, and put on him the best robe, ring, and shoes. He celebrates the return of his son with a feast. And in a scene all of us fathers can recognize, he opens up the conversation with the sulking older son.

The father takes the initiative in bringing about forgiveness and reconciliation in the whole family. He is a model for us in responding to our call to follow the Spirit of Jesus in taking many initiatives in our families, especially that of boundless forgiveness for our children.

When a father takes responsibility for his own spiritual life, for the way he prays, goes to church, and practices virtue in the family, he gives good example. Then his leadership in the family is authentic, based on his own solid relationship with God, and he is less likely to be concerned about any resistance his children may give him. He can lead family prayer. When I suggest that we stand in the living room and pray before a trip or that we pray in a restaurant, I often feel an initial resistance in my children. But quiet cooperation and peacefulness soon follow. Sometimes the children will even tell me that they prayed in a restaurant when I wasn’t there.

At times the father’s role of leading the family to great forgiveness and prayerfulness is an unpopular one. But as a man grows in his own spiritual life, he becomes more sturdy and willing to accept responsibility. Although all this is impossible for us fathers to do alone, God can do all things. God can even bestow the awesome spiritual power of fatherhood upon us.

Dr. Albert Rossi is a Professor of Psychology at Pace University, Pleasantville, NY and has a private practice in family counseling. Reprinted with permission from Resource Handbook, Vol. II, 95.1, Department of Lay Ministry, Orthodox Church in America.

from http://www.theologic.com/oflweb/forfolks/spirfrhd.htm

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Dad Time

You feel good when your kids treat you like a king on Father’s Day. But do you treat your kids like kings and queens by spending time with them the other 364 days of the year?

Paul Lewis, editor of Dads Only, squeezes time out of his schedule with these creative encounter ideas:

Body, arm, or even thumb wrestle your child.

Help your child with a chore.

Talk about the values behind a TV program or commercial you’ve just watched.

Write a thank-you not of appreciation and encouragement to another significant adult in your child’s life, such as a Church School teacher, coach, or scout leader.

Give your child a back or foot rub.

“Kidnap” your child from school and have lunch together.

Together, fix and eat a bowl of popcorn.

Together, read aloud a chapter or psalm in the Bible.

Tell your child about five personal habits or traits you appreciate and admire in him/her.

Pray with your child about any problem.

Reprinted from Children’s Ministry Magazine. found at http://www.theologic.com/oflweb/forfolks/dadtime.htm, used by permission.

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Smart Dads

Connect with your kids all year long-not just on Father’s Day. Paul Lewis, author of The Five Key Habits of Smart Dads ($15.99, Zondervan Publishing House), gives these tips:

Talk at bedtime. Jot down conversation-starters in a notebook. For example, ask your kids about a fear they felt today, their latest dreams, or what they’ll be like when they’re older. Note and date your children’s answers.

Take a “fun” poll. Ask: What’s the most fun we’ve had as a family in the past month? in the past year? ever? Have kids tell why and put a date on the calendar to do the events again.

Keep kids talking. Make a 20-minute recording of kids talking about topics such as weekend activities, the day at school, pets, hobbies, friends, and latest fads. Send a copy to grandparents and archive the original.

Get kids’ advice. Spark family dialogue by reading “Dear Abby” letters and debating the advice. Have family members suggest solutions. They may even be better than Abby’s advice!

Reprinted from For Parents Only, May/June 1995 (Children’s Ministry).

From http://www.theologic.com/oflweb/forfolks/smartdad.htm. Used by permission.

The following are links to other excellent resources for Orthodox Christian fathers. May they challenge each of their readers to be a more godly father!

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“In a world that values wealth and fame, the Christian father is called to remember that no matter what other accomplishments he has in his career or his life, the greatest influence he will have on the world will be as a father in how he shapes the souls of his children.” Find this quote in the context of an excellent article on fatherhood, in Praxis, written by Dr. Philip Mamalakis, from the Praxis archives, Winter 2008, “The Church at Home,” pp. 12-14. Download it here: http://www.goarch.org/archdiocese/departments/religioused/praxis/praxisarchive

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Fr. Joseph Honeycutt shares a few things he learned in his almost 9 years as a stay-at-home parent in this podcast. Be sure to listen to the end to hear the excellent advice he received from his mother-in-law, and also from his bishop, when his first child was born: http://www.ancientfaith.com/podcasts/orthodixie/father_mom

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Dads, whether or not you know it, you are pastoring a domestic church! Read Dr. Albert Rossi’s encouraging and helpful article on the subject here: http://www.theologic.com/oflweb/forfolks/pastor.htm

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“I believe being a father means creating a world… I draw on a communion of artists and saints to shape our children’s imaginations, hearts, and minds with the wonder of God. My calling as a father is to create space for myself and my family to discover the wonder of God. I believe I’m called to both model and create an environment that encourages curiosity about God and his world. For where there is curiosity, there will be discovery. And where discovery of God’s beauty happens in its many and varied forms, there will be wonder and joy. And that joy–created, given, and shared–is what fatherhood in the Kingdom of God is all about.” http://www.knoxpriest.com/fatherhood-means-creating-world/ (The article is not written by an Orthodox father, but is still well worth the read!)

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Dads, if God has blessed you with children, there are things He wants your children to learn from you (and vice versa)! After all, we are placed in families for our salvation. Here are a few (not written by Orthodox dads, but still worthy of consideration) suggestions of what your children should learn from you:

8 basics every dad should teach his sons: http://matthewljacobson.com/2013/09/30/future-men-8-basics-every-dad-should-teach-his-son/

12 things daughters need their parents to say to them: http://emilypfreeman.com/12-things-your-daughter-needs-you-to-say/

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God is our Perfect Father, and no earthly dad can measure up to His infinite goodness. But dads who love God can learn much from Him, and imitate Him to the best of their ability! Here are ideas of 3 characteristics of a Godly father: http://www.imperfecthomemaker.com/2014/06/3-characteristics-godly-father.html#_a5y_p=1847102

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